Homeless and Hopeless

I don’t enjoy my life. I don’t have anything to look forward to, except doctor appointments and diagnosis. That’s a double edged sword. Diagnosis for something that won’t get better. Or restore me to my former self.

Though I have shelter, it’s not mine. My home. And though I have some of my things here, now on pallets with tarp on dirt, it isn’t the bulk of my stuff still in storage and will be lost too quickly for lack of payment.

Since I can’t work and earn money, former 6-digit income worker who can’t work – ironic – I don’t have any income to pay for my storage units. Homeless losing the bulk of everything and I didn’t do “this” intentionally. It’s a waiting game for Social Security and I didn’t have medical care – other than prescriptions to keep my diabetes and hypertension and cholesterol under control with no management or explanation and I can’t eat like a normal person BECAUSE of a medical condition caused by the stroke, but it’s an eating disorder that needs pyschiatric guidance. Bullshit.

They brought on my suffering due to ignorance and apathy. And if I had care, or even an explanation of the type of stroke I had, it would be easier to accept and adjust to. But, I’m alone with no close family, so tough luck. Too bad, so sad. Loser.

Should I think any other way? Why? I am dealing with this alone and the few who do deal with me don’t get what I am going through. Every hiccup is a major road block, a landslide, and I have to wade through it and not drown or sink to the depths. And succumb to death, which would be so much easier.

I went to a resource provider for Alameda County, and she gave me a list of meetings I could go to, to train you about renting a home and all that it entails. Goody. What I did for 30 years. It’s depressing and frustrating and so much to handle – alone. Nothing is easy anymore. It’s all so difficult and more just piles on every day.

I need help. I need someone with answers, not more questions.

gofundme.com/Life4V

I am Disabled and I Have Little Hope

I’m 53.

I had a Lacunar Stroke 11/29/16.

No doctor cared for my medical issues for 19 months. No one. I was even told I didn’t have “symptoms” and I wouldn’t be referred because the doctors didn’t have time for patients who weren’t truly sick.

When I said I couldn’t eat, I was told I needed a Psychiatrist for my eating disorder , even though I choked on my own spit, would reguritate when trying to eat, had no hunger, thrist, or produced saliva sufficiently. My speech therapist recommended a barium test, which he scoffed at and informed me that no speech therapist is trained to practice medicine, and it was an eating disorder.

Uh-huh.

And first time stroke patients don’t have Pseudo-Bulbur Affect. Yeah right. I need a physciatrist because I’m crazy? I’ll believe you. You were a geriatric doctor for years and you should know? I’ll pass on your “knowledge” you dumb fuck.

An actual neurologist said I had a “minor stroke”. I needed to see a physciatrist for my depression. First time in my entire life I walked out on a “doctor” when she told me that.

I was physically restrained by police and bound to a gurney when a Nurse Practitioner accused me of assaulting her. I have PTSD after that quaint encounter and visiting Psychiatric ER and being told I was grandiose and delusional.

I now have medical coverage that treats me like a human – not a number and a file and nothing is wrong. I have Contra Costa Health Plan to “thank” for nearly 2 years of hell. I now have coverage from Alameda Alliance. I had to “move” to Alameda County, but I’m homeless so I just had to find a home to sleep at. I have an old friend who gave me a spare bed and safety. Better than being raped or murdered in my car.

I do research when I don’t know something. I have done more research and came across this:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binswanger%27s_disease

Binswanger’s Disease. Similair to Alzheimer’s but can be caused by a type of stroke. Vascular Dementia. I see a doctor on November 1st at Neurovascular Services of UCSF. I am hoping that I don’t have Binswanger’s, but I am still dreading the outcome. At least I will know. Finally. But it’s me and I get weird stuff no one diagnoses for years, so it’s probably true.

Onset is usually between 54-65. I was 51 when I had the stroke, but there is evidence I had an infarct, and I know when. It was in the Spring of 2014 when I was caring for my adopted sociopathic narcisstic dementia ridden mother and she had already thrown out my meds and I had to go to Emergency, and they did no tests to find out what was wrong. I just had a BP of 3xx/17x. They released me when my BP was normal and I got no meds or a followup with a doctor. I was a few months from 50 then.

Figures. They refused to put in writing that “Mom” had demntia, even though it was clearly noted in her medical file. I know. I saw it. They mishandled her care until she died in May 2015.

That was in Southern California. I returned to the Bay Area after my SoCal sojourn and moved in with a friend who siad I could stay with them until I found a job and a new home, since I had to sell Mom’s, because that crazy bitch tore up her living will and the grant deed adding me to the house. She was bat-shit crazy and it ruined my life more than once. And since I paid the bulk of the mortgage, and it was a 2nd mortgage, I technically had been paying on that house for 8 years.

But, I came back here with a pittance of an inheritance to start my life again. She got me fired from my job, though they called it a layoff due to plant closure, but they stayed open for another 2 years, and I had been there for 5 years and knew where the proverbial bodies were buried.

I couldn’t work and take care of Mom. She always made everything about her. Kinda like Trump. Full-time chaos. Grrrr.

I came home and within 2 months I had the stroke. Most of my belongings had to be stored, including what I had to move to storage when my “friend” said they were moving and I had to go because I was ruining their happiness. You know what? They’re still there! Jerks.

I got no help from Contra Costa in finding a home. I’m running into the same problem with Livermore Housing Authority, but I have organizations to call. Whatever is wrong with me, it makes daily functions hard to figure out. I get overwhelmed and need to sleep. Or pass out. I don’t “decide”. It just happens.

I have filed for Social Security and am waiting for a hearing, as I have been denied, but I can’t blame them. There is no patient history other than an ER visit and hospitalization. That’s pretty much it, other than tons of prescriptions for things I did not have. Not enough to give me early SSI.

So I have a GoFundMe campaign. There is a reason for that. I am broke. I have food stamps (which Contra Costa screwed up this month) and I have General Assistance I have to pay back. $192 and $300 for each. At least I get GA through Alameda. CC said if I had $50 in the bank, I didn’t qualify. I had to find a job. Yeah right. I can’t do 3rd grade math and I was a finance analyst/assitant controller amd FX was one of my speciaties, but I’ll find work. If I could walk and stand up without tipping, or become so confused if I hear two things at once and I forget what I was doing, but I’ll figure out some mundane task to be paid minimum wage if an employer wants a fall risk on their payroll.

You need money to live, especailly if you’re a hypertensive diabetic with pernicious anemia and retinopathy. I take 9 medications by mouth daily. I take an insulin injection once weekly (better than twice a day just 1 month ago) and I take an injection once a month for Pernicious Anemia. I take blood sugar tests 2-3 times a day and my BP reguarly. That’s a lot to keep track of, but I manage. Everything sits within view and I set up my meds on a weekly basis, morning and evening. I have OCD, which comes in handy now.

I have carpal tunnel and a doctot has recommended surgery. My glasses prescription is 6 years old and my eyes have changed and not just because retinopathy. I drive a 1998 Oldsmobile Cutlass that my Dad bought before he died and it needs maintenance and wiper blades. I’ve got a Dell laptop from 2008 and it needs some time at Best Buy for worm removal and driver restoration.  I can’t use my Tower because no currently paid virus protection.  And my AAA Road Service has lapsed for non-payment. I stopped paying my credit card (just 1 – in case of emegency) months ago.

The GoFundMe is to provide for the cost of living until SSI comes through, hopefully soon. A friends’ sister was recently approved and that took 3 years. I’m a year and half in and had a lousy lawyer for the first 9 months.

My main storage unit is at Towncentre Self Storage in Brentwood and they won’t take partial payment per the district manager because it screws up their lien process. I am behind and the site manager has been told she can’t take a partial payment.

I am getting screwed out of my belongings – my life – because the District Manager is doing her job. Yes, they know about my situation. Yes, the site manager has compassion, but it’s still a businesa of real estate and that real estate has a price that needs payment.

Could I pay them $300? No. I need to pay them $660. I might be able to get $600, but I won’t be paying my car insurance, gas for that car or cell bill this month. $660, or she can’t take it.

My other unit is paid until November 29th. The rest of it is under a tarp on the patio where I am staying.

I need a place to live that has my things and not in storage. I purged everything I could when I packed Mom’s house. Gave away all I could. Even had a garage sale and listed on Criagslist. I lived in the backwater of Riverside County and they are CHEAP! 7′ aliminum ladder, months old that cost $70 at Home Depot, a little shit got it for $10 and it was SO EXPENSIVE. I sold it to him just to get rid of it, and he was pissed because I ripped him off.

Sure I did. That’s what privileged white people do that live in retirement communities. I hated it when Mom pulled “But I’m not from here, I don’t speak your language” crap. They know. They just assume you’re stupid or racist. I’m neither. I just hate that “I’m foreign, feel sorry for me” bullshit.

Think I don’t know? If you had any idea how many times I’ve told people I was born here and they don’t believe me – because of my name – and compliment me on my “good English”, I’m surprised I’m still free , because some folks need the stupid smacked off their smug mugs.

I’ve tried going to the press/media but I guess some one crying wolf isn’t sympathetic, even if it is real. I’ve lost my ability to work, to enjoy hikes, to drive to a nice area to walk away my worries for a few houra in nature, to sit and knit or do needlework or needlepoint, even to read for an hour or two, without my chaosed mind refusing to cooperate. I need some peace and that requires money. If I have to think about that, it becomes an obsession and I can’t sleep until I pass out, which for me varies amd depends if I have eaten well or just enough. If it’s just enough (1 meal a day and hopefully not Ramen), I can go 2-3 days without restful sleep, and my brain can’t take that.

Please go to my Campaign gofundme.com/Life4V and donate. I need help. I want to Live for however long I have and with my memories and savored remembrances of a life well lived.

Why We Need to Vote in Every Election

Your vote counts every time. That’s what my father taught me even before he became an official citizen.

Dad served in WWII for the Allies and was granted permanent residence here in the U.S. for that service. He was processed through Ellis Island. He worked Merchant Marines for years and finally took the “green card” benefit and brought his wife her in 1963. They bought a home in Long Beach, California, and in September 1963 adopted me. And they gave me a sadistic first name which is beautiful in their Native Norway, but not so great here. I started using the phonetic spelling which has worked just fine for 30 years. Venka is my name. They didn’t approve, but now their dead, so I’m technically free from criticism.

Except for those narrow minded bigots who tell me to “go home”. I am home. You leave, you racist fuck.

Dad took the Citizen protocol and was granted Citizenship in 1976. He was very proud. So was I. Dad and I were the same, as far as paper work was concerned. My narcisstic sociopathic mother remained a Resident Alien for the rest of her life. That was a problem for me, especially at the end of her life when she developed dementia. The trifecta of evil as far as she was concerned.

I’ve been a good citizen. Paid my taxes. Voted in each election. Held good jobs with a good income. It does nothing for me now that I have neurological brain damage caused by a Lucanar Stroke and can’t even do 3rd Grade Math. Foreign Exchange was one of my specialties. Numbers cause confusion and I transpose them. Forget about adding without a calculator.

That’s a small problem, if you neglect to add in the issue of lack of medical care.

I have Medi-Cal, a state funded program often referred to as MediCaid. I received my insurance through the Obama-care expansion. Yeah, the one the Republicans are trying to get rid of.

Those same Republicans are now going after Social Security and Medicare because those are “Entitlements”. Are they really? FICA was taken out of every check for 35 years. Medicare has been deducted as well – by the Government. So is your pay, Mitch McConnell.

FICA stands for Federal Insurance Contribution Act and it’s the first thing you Republicans go after when you’ve blown through the budget AGAIN and are looking at a deficit. FICA is Social Security and you think us dumb sheep don’t know that? Wrong. You’re stealing from us again and it’s not an Entitlement if we have to PAY FOR IT.

Dad and I went and voted together when I turned 18 and every election thereafter until I moved to Northern California, but we talked about Propositions and Candidates and Measures. He was always very interested and read up on each person or item. He approached voting as if it changed his life, and it did. Each candidate, measure and proposal had an impact on his life. Just as it does to me now.

Did I vote for Trump. No. Neither did 3 million people, but he is still President, and look how our country is? Divisive and uncaring and more racially charged than we’ve seen in 50 years. And if Muellar completes a shopping list of indictments (he has) against a lot of people who worked for Trump, but Trump’s direct involvement to the stupidity of the populace to be taken in by a con man, a shyster, a fake and a fraud who just wants to make a big name for himself while he gets richer – oh well. We screwed up? We should have done better?

The system is so broken and we have proof staring at us everyday. All the old white male senators. How many are in their 40’s? How many aren’t rich from being a Senator and voting on issues that make them rich? How many are farmers that don’t have millions of acres and get agricultural aid? How many don’t have stocks in companies they don’t support personally when blocking Big Pharma?

I give you a list of The Rich to nearly debters. Darrell Issa Rep. of the San Diego area is wealthiest. Figures. He’s in that Republican Bastion of Southern California.

https://www.rollcall.com/news/politics/every-member-congress-wealth-one-chart

Facts matter. Granted, not last weeks paycheck, but still.

Congress should be term limited, as should the Supreme Court. Serving until you die in the chair is ridiculous and pety. I love RBG, don’t die on me, but she deserves to be around family and grandchildren, not watching Kavanaugh having teenage agnst and failing to act like a Supreme Court Justice.

The gender ratio is 50/50, yet is our political representation 50/50? We are 63% white, 16% latino and 12% black. Who represents us?

https://www.infoplease.com/us/race-population/population-united-states-race-and-hispaniclatino-origin-census-2000-and-2010

https://www-pewresearch-org.cdn.ampproject.org/v/www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/01/24/115th-congress-sets-new-high-for-racial-ethnic-diversity/?amp_js_v=a2&_gsa=1&=1&usqp=mq331AQCCAE%3D#referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.pewresearch.org%2Ffact-tank%2F2017%2F01%2F24%2F115th-congress-sets-new-high-for-racial-ethnic-diversity%2F

Take a look at the makeup of our politicians. How many claim some ethnic background to justify his right to run? What about Pocahontas? Or should I say Sen. Elisabeth Warren who the President ridicules in front of Navajo Code Talkers because she’s white. She does have ancestry, but it ain’t enough for some, so she shouldn’t talk about it?

My adoptive parents were immigrants that Trump likes. Norwegian People. White. Not from a shithole country. Dad wouldn’t have voted for him. Dad would have seen the Hollywood Star for what he was – in it for him and his pockets. Mom, had she been a citizen and could vote, would have voted for him because they shared the same thinking and beliefs. He would have been wonderful after that Obama who almost ruined us.

Mom and Dad never discussed politics. That was a conversation between he and I. He said to me once, when I asked, why me and not Mom? “You’re intelligent, consider the pro’s and con’s, and make a decision on what will improve your life. Mom doesn’t. Looks and money are the important issues.”

They didn’t discuss weighty matters much. It bottered Mom and she would get upset and have a tantrum and fail in the bedroom until Dad (or I) said sorry. We’d stop talking now. Happy? Back to Jeopardy or Wheel.of Fortune?

God the melodrama with that woman. And the grey matter committing sepuka.

We have to Vote. Each and every one us.

Too much depends on it.