The Sun is Receding

I have a lot of time to think when my brain isn’t in chaos or Will is rattling on about cars or RV’s or what his brother has done to him. The usual noise pollution. Just chillin’ at a Starbucks with a cup of tea. I had $2.35, so I could afford that. I get my Social Security in a few days. Let’s see how long it lasts this month. Hopefully, longer than 10 days.

At least my storage units are up to date this month. Don’t have to worry about that, and I was able to wrap my head around how we could reduce storage, pay less and have more room! It doesn’t hurt that the place I have 2 units now is cheaper than the other 2 places. I just have to work out how to move everything with Will’s bad back and my shelving in Brentwood Unit 1 with the shelving pegs in Brentwood Unit 2 or Livermore Unit 1. Is it any wonder why my brain defaults to chaos? Too much to keep track of while living in a car.

Enough of that. I need to word vomit my brain because it’s nauseous.

I consider myself a Follower of Christ, not a Christain. There is a difference. I don’t seek forgiveness for the sins of the week with Sunday cleansings. Hypocritical Sunday Christians drive me bonkers. Especially those twisted f’ers that think Gay’s have a master plan to destroy the Church.   The only reason they are Gay is to destroy the church. It’s a choice. Anyone who thinks that or that Gay can be prayed away needs deep psychological counseling. Like the Vice President, who calls his wife Mother.

Ever heard of that thing about God making us in His image? Was there an exclusion? You don’t ignore children born with Down Syndrome or Spina Bifida? Claim they chose that life? Being Gay isn’t an illness, neither is it a choice and you can’t pray away who you are. What I know of, what has happened to others, the commentary, the abuse, the torture, the pain they NEVER asked for. They just want to live their life and have NOTHING to do with yours, so why be so nosey and get up in their grille about their “lifestyle”.

News flash – it isn’t a lifestyle, it is their actual LIFE. Quit being such a busy body and find another “cause” you can bitch about. And if the word FAGGOT or DYKE or CUNT is in your vocabulary, read a book and expand your brain asshat. Why be a Baby Trump when we can’t stand the Old Man (so old and fat and gross). Living in Livermore, we run into Trumpers and other racists, discriminators, supremacist lovers often. Old white men set tables out with info in front of the post office. Vote for Trump! Thanks but no thanks. My family suffered at the hands of the 3rd Reich. I don’t want to see the fully realized 4th Reich in my lifetime.

Enough about Christians. Why is there a theme of giving at Christmas? Why is there a theme of helping at a Chruch when proselytizing is what happens too often? The two are connected, as evidenced these past few weeks. First, let me say that we truly appreciate the kindness shown by church members and individuals that saw our need and gave. The cookies were very nice. Toothbrushes and toothpaste are much-needed items. Cup of Soup is welcomed and very useable. Hotel snags like shampoo and conditioner – not so much. We see dozens of these wherever we go for warm food or outreach.

You know what we didn’t see much of this season? Gift cards. To Subway or McDonalds or Starbucks.  Safeway Fuel Cards. They have no cash value. We can’t buy booze or cigarettes with them anyway. And so what if we bought a pack of smokes. A bottle of beer. How dare we use your hard-earned money for such useless comfort items? Because we are homeless. We can’t buy anything warm with EBT, or alcohol or cigarettes. Hell, you can’t but incontinence pads with EBT, or shampoo or soap. Just food – but nothing hot in Califonia. They can in Arizona. Will is supposed to get $40 more per month since he is homeless. Does he? Do I? No.

My face hurt so much this morning due to the cold and sleeping in the car. We’re both sick now. I slept with my coat on and tried to cover my face with the blanket, but breathing through my mouth made it too uncomfortable to continue. Thanks to Donna McKenzie, Will and I were able to get coats last week. We have her to thank for the room at Christmas. Sleeping in the car is so dehumanizing! I hate staying in a motel room and the cost that it takes, but it is so much better than a car. Especially when you’ve got a cooktop and a fridge! It’s like living like royalty!

You can’t get a place to live for 2 adult people in their 50’s for less than $2000 in this area – and that $2000 is more than likely for a ROOM. There are no apartments that are affordable without all our money going.  $2000 in rent would leave us with $200 from Will’s General Assistance and his food stamps for the month. That $2000 better include utilities, because there would be none leftover after the cell bill and car insurance was paid. And forget about driving anywhere. We would have to ration where we drove so we filled up the tank just once a month. No money saved for oil changes or repairs or even windshield wipers.

We have talked to all available resources regarding housing. Disabled people aren’t top of the list. I’m disabled with a brain injury and I am severely struggling to survive living in my car. Will has to have surgery and needs further diagnosis so he has some quality of life. He could get a job, but he can’t with a bad back.  I see why he was an alcoholic. If I had the money and no responsibilities, if I just didn’t care anymore and had accepted that living wasn’t worth it anymore, I would drink myself to death too.

Because of the post-stroke emotional incontinence, I cry every day because I have no other outlet. If you don’t get it, I HATE THIS LIFE AND LIVING LIKE THIS. I’d rather eat Chicken McNuggets than burnt vegetables, cheap hot dogs too small for regular buns, sauerkraut (yes, they served sauerkraut at the food kitchen *shudder*) and a fruit blend with underripe melon which gave me the runs last night – in 40F weather with no close bathroom other than Safeway.

Friday’s and Sunday’s have Safe Parking at the worst location – the old City Council Chambers next to the Police Station and you need the Security Guards to escort you into the Restroom. Hopefully, I won’t fill my drawers while going through that keeping a smile on my face and not showing frustration at the Guards. It’s not their fault. Just the City of Livermore who will not dedicate a space for the homeless – like the Old City Council Chambers – for a Winter Warming Shelter with cots.

Leave the homeless outside roaming the city, sleeping in front of the closed OSH store, or a bus bench, or in the Creek that floods multiple times every winter. Let the Church’s and Donna McKenzie deal with the homeless. It’s their “mission” anyway, God’s children and that nonsense. Let the homeless, that take advantage of the Homeless Refuge, sleep on yoga mats on the floor. And if you’re disabled and can’t get up of the floor – or even be able to lay down on the floor – make the best of it and tough it out. Hopefully, a Watcher will realize you have mobility issues and doesn’t yell at you at 6am to hurry and get up! You need to be out by 7am because the church neighbors don’t want your kind loitering in their neighborhood. And the Warming Reuge has sufficient watchers WHO VOLUNTEER because otherwise they are closed.  At least Donna has sleeping bags and pillows THAT ARE DONATED. Livermore pays for shit. This parking program IS helpful, but those with motor homes can’t participate. There are not many who have cars or want to do through the approval process.

We think San Francisco is bad – welcome to wonderful Livermore in the East Bay! We’ve got a plan to eliminate the homeless issue!

No they don’t. They’ve seen this getting worse for years and choose to tackle a small ratio while complaining how so many come from elsewhere and settle here.  I could have stayed in Contra Costa and I would be dead now. I should have stayed there and not inconvenienced your fine city, or gone to San Francisco.

Hey, Livermore just had their first Pride Event this year. Not in June, of course, but they finally acknowledged that segment of the population.

If I had plenty of downtime with WIFI, I could write more coherently and not so angry. My life is falling apart and there is nothing I can do about it. For God’s sake, someone who can – help us!

Author: Vykinghart

A divergent catalyst trying to make the world a better place while screaming from a tiny soapbox.

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