I’ve Succumbed. I Am Homeless.

Nothing has changed, but the finality of my situation has enveloped me. There is no help due to their being no scraggly crevices to stick is in. And I have no strength to look.

No one cares (I know this is difficult, but be patient), they’re going through the motions (I’m going to be your Navigator to help you through this process – where’ve you been this last year?), we need to make sure we have all your paperwork (how many people need the same damn thing? and for what?).

Copies of my Social Security card, my SSI award, my bank account – all at my fingertips and provided, but when an opportunity comes up they will need documentation with a date within a week. What? Social Security cards don’t ever change and award letters don’t either. You get a Cost of Living increase once a year and I just got mine. A fresh print from SS? I can’t request it online because their 3rd party facilitator – Equifax – has my file locked and what I have to do to get unlocked isn’t easy or enjoyable AND I CAN’T USE A POBOX!

It’s frustrating.

I hate calling Social Security anyway. It takes too long and simple requests are something they have difficulty understanding.

And driving to Hayward to get a printout for something I already have is ludicrous.

Blah.

Another County servicer will be in contact with us Monday to make sure we are on track to receive housing! To help ger our paperwork in order! To make it easier for us!

Shut up! I believed that 8 months ago and the apartment they were speaking of never came to fruition. Because of an internal document verifying how long each of us has been homeless. They had access to the same resources we do……/ MAKE A PHONE CALL!

We have to give them a piece of paper? Why? It’s a freaky mess, makes little sense and it’s not for “anyone” who has seen us homeless and living in a car. They want this on the company letterhead with a description of what they witnessed. Who can testify to that! With a specific date a year ago? It’s insane.

If you saw a doctor, therapist or psychiatrist, get documentation from them! I can give them phone numbers to call, and we’ve signed ROIs (Release of Information). They have permission to access my medical records, and yet they still need me to get their stupid form completed to their satisfaction!”

Can you tell they’re pissing me off with their ineptitude?

I hate how they handle everyday shit. They create obstacles!

I am too tired and mentally done for this crap.

Today is Wednesday, I Think

I’m in a flu induced haze. I call it Danny Plague since he gave it to us for Christmas. Merry indeed. Bah humbug. *Cough*Wheez*Collapse*Sleep*

One day melts into the next and EVERYTHING is the same, except the amount of rainfall overnight, how wet we are in the car, how cold we are in the car and how sick we still are in the car. It all comes down to the car and how much worse it all is.

I have tried to update my Youtube channel daily, but “daily” isn’t happening. You can see the latest “A Day in My Life” here https://youtu.be/zW9Q2BgTsSg

When I can make it a OneTinySoapbox Channel, I will. Need to do research and study, but there are only so many hours in a day and when those hours are plagued impacted it’s a crapshoot.

Just like contacting an attorney. I have contacted dozens and the only one who was interested needed a down payment for an expert. You had a stroke, they told you you had a stroke, what is the problem? They didn’t tell you what kind? Does that matter? Yeah, it kinda does. Especially since I’m still suffering from the results of it. And they missed a bunch of stuff. Well. that doesn’t matter. You’re still alive and that is what matters. But….my quality, or lack thereof, of life? Pishposh. that is not OUR concern.

I am so cold. I have had the chills for days and it won’t improve with the temperature not getting out of the low to mid 50’s for the next two weeks.  And rain.  I haven’t had a shower since Christmas Eve and it doesn’t look likely for another few weeks. Hell, we need to laundry anyway.  And my glasses are getting worse, as is my vision. I don’t know what I can do about that except try to schedule with my BARA doctor and have the surgery approved to stop the Eye Aneurysms. And wait for stabilization. And THEN get a new eye prescription. That will be a few months out and just glasses as usual. I can forget contact lenses as they are not a necessity. Who wants peripheral vision anyway? Or be able to see in the rain? Or not have to worry about sneezing while driving and knocking over your glasses? Or worry about fog on your glasses? Or being able to breathe normally? Certainly not me. Not since the age of 11.

I can type anything, but who will listen. Suzy, you did an awesome thing! You contacted the local paper! Thank you! It makes a difference. And those of you who contributed $5 to our campaign – bless you! But does that make a difference in the long run? It may keep us alive with hope but it doesn’ change much for us. Just plodding ahead one day at a time. My goal is $100,000 and my campaign has raised $4880. In a little over a year. That’s $406.66 a month. It helped get us into hotel rooms, paid for needed repairs to the car, even a hot meal at a restaurant, but we never used any of that money just blow it on “fun”. We have never gone to a movie. We camped. That is as exciting as it got. And we enjoy camping when we aren’t going to freeze to death.  Or be flooded out.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/life4wng20

To help us. I don’t know how much more I can take before I hit my cap. I don’t want to die, but living like this isn’t a “choice”.

Well, I just lost a Day

The post for today was Wanderlust Wednesday, instead of Toxic Thursday. We can wait a week for that.

Blame the fact I’m sick and have been drinking tea at Starbucks for several hours when I should have been sleeping, or that my brain is truly is broken. Regardless, it’s a blonde moment and yet again I prove these locks have not been touched with dyes.

Wanderlust Wednesday

A day to reflect on where I’ve been and want to return. What I want to show Will, since he’s flown over most of it. I got to show him a fraction when we drove North to Oregon and the Avenue of the Giants. It was so awesome.

Next, I have so show him stuff like this:

Untitled-b65 And, sadly, some of my pictures are scanned from negatives and this is the effect.

It kinda sucks, but why I need to show Will and take new pictures. This is a West Cost trek I did in 1995 with my ex Kevin. And since my tagged photos are on my old hard drive and ALL were in individual floders with the trip name –  this was save to Dropbox. But, Will and I have plans to explore. Yay!

I think this is Umpqua Lighthouse. I’m probably wrong.

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This is Scotia? Oregon? It could be the Columbia Gorge? I know it’s 1995. At least that came over in Dropbox. But when I see this, my wanderlust comes forth and wants to Be.

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Redwoods forest in Norther California, by Crescent City? Lots of ferns up there. It is beautiful. I wish Will and I had more time. Untitled-49

And here’s my proof it was 1995. Fen as a puppy. He was so cute and sweet and precious. He was still smaller than Andy is now as a full-grown dog. Here, Fen is about 10 lbs of puppy fluff and small paws. He would be 75 lbs fully grown and his paws were the size of my fists. He still thought he was a lap dog. I miss my cuddly, live teddy bear. Untitled-b16 We were a happy pack. The elkies didn’t travel with us regrettably.  I wish I had taken my camera when Heidi and I were wandering. What we saw!

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Kevin in front of the Montero. Oh, the places we went!  This is definitely Northern California with the mystery of Bigfoot. Redwood Country.

But speaking of wondrous sites – this is from a trip to Yosemite….

Yosemite and Railroad Museum May 15th and 16th 2004 003

And this is what I love to record. May 2004.

Or this one from the same trip. My ode to Ansel Adams.

Yosemite and Railroad Museum May 15th and 16th 2004 025 edited The Tunnel View. Ansel is an inspiration for me.

Well, this was a wandering post. I didn’t want anything heavy today. Just a nice post for January 2nd. Whatever WordPress says.

Happy New Year everyone!

Tuesday Testimonials

Day Three of days with purpose typing. It reminds a little of what I am doing on YouTube – A Day in My Life Daily Vlog (under vylinghart@gmail.com – I might be able to name it soon since I’m regularly adding video, guess what I’ll name it? Hehe).

I have a hope to build a small media empire (sure) to be able to bring light to the homeless situation here in Alameda County, Tri-Valley Area, the East Bay of the San Francisco Regional Area, since all people hear is San Francisco which is pretty much a world away for most here in the Tri-Valley Area without a Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) ticket.

This will grow and change. This is my plea and my cause. And God’s plan for me, whether you believe in that or not, but I do.

So, for today, I will give a testimonial, though some of you have more than likely thought “haven’t you DONE that consistently”? To a degree.

I have always been a person who wanted to be “clean”. Groomed. Bathed. Hair styled and makeup subtle. Contact lenses on and glasses put away since they are an obstruction on my face and I don’t see as well. Or breathe easily. Thank God they don’t use glass anymore, but polycarbonate. Remember the phrase “Coke bottle glasses”? How thick the glass bottoms were on a bottle of Coke? That would be me!And those polycarbonate lenses coatings fail, they scratch, and the lenses become cloudy. And there is nothing you can do when the coating starts to fail. My “current” predicament. I’ve worn my contact lenses 2 days this month, since I had access to bathroom and could wash my hands and be sanitary.

Speaking of 2 days, I have taken a shower twice this month. When I showered on CHristmas Eve, I hadn’t showered in over 2 weeks, 3 for Will. The last time was when went to Del Valle Regional Park and used the showers in the campground. It was more than two weeks for both of us at that point.

Being at our very adult age, being denied the human need of bathing is so difficult. We could have gone to the church who offers it once a week or 3 days a week, but we had appointments with doctors or therapists, and we have to camp out for hours or loose our spots. As with everything being homeless, hurry up and wait. What else do have to do? Indeed.

There is much about homelessness that is hurry up and wait, which is interesting when there are few places you can go. There is the McDonald’s on P Street, or the library. I choose Starbucks due to the WIFI and tea. But, when I first became homeless, I didn’t know where I could go. There is no checklist for “If you’re homeless in Livermore”. We’ve got the Labs (Lawrence Livermore) here, so there is money. Hell, Martha Stewart has been here. We are not an island in a vast wasteland.

Though, it does cause you to contemplate (often) how did I come to this situation. Will and I have the same issue – loyalty to the family name and family pride. Will was Dorothy’s Grand Champion, her knight in shining armour. He did his mother proud! Caring for her for over 10 years and not expecting anything – and that’s the problem. He expected nothing, but his brother destroyed any sense of truth or valuing family when Gary had him removed as his mother’s executor, and HE probably stole the copy of the trust that Will had at the house (Since Gary and Colleen treated Dorothy’s house as their property entering any time they wanted). Will valued family. Gary does not, especially his brother who is an obstacle to everything, supposedly.

I valued family. What little I had that Gun hadn’t destroyed all sense of. I just remember Dad asking me to take care of her if anything happened to him. She would outlive him, he knew. Well, she made sure of that! And I did, because I promised Dad. She was like a poison to my soul, but I wouldn’t let Dad down, even after death. Did she appreciate my “sacrifice”? Ah, hell no! She complained that I lived in her house. She complained that I had clothes of mine in her closet. She complained that my Diabetic diet intruded on her “groceries” and caused her fridge to “smell” (fresh produce smells like fruits and vegetables, not moldy trash). When I cooked dinner for us, she complained about the smell and the stove being on (could cause a fire, afterall) and complained about the dishes that had to be washed (which I did since the dishwasher was “broken” due to lack of use and rubber dying out). Because eating one of two frozen dinners was so healthy? She was malnourished and trying to get her to eat produce was so difficult, unless it was in a frozen dinner or a can with high fructose corn syrup.

Dorothy wanted to eat a Swiffer. Gunn wanted to eat anything that wasn’t freshly made. Dorothy didn’t try to kill Will. She adored her oldest boy. I had loved Gunn, as one does the mother-figure in her life, but I didn’t like or trust her. I had decades of reasons why not to. And after her death, I learned of the extent of her machinations of separating Dad from his family. Regardless of your personal reasons for disliking your in-laws, to not notify his family that he is dead is so fundamentally wrong on so many levels. Did you hate his ex-wife so much, and their son, that you couldn’t see past that you homewrecker? Even after 43 years?

Hindsight is 20/20, and Gunn had so may tells. So much makes sense now that I know the missing details. The truth shall set you free, and that sentiment should be engraved on her headstone. It set her free, set me free, and can alleviate Dad’s soul of so much grief and loss that can never be corrected. I am absolved of guilt, much to her chagrin.

What I still can’t understand is why her family thinks I’m lying. Spoilt child not getting her way (Fuck up Freddy. Your Dad was a shit, treated your mother like shit, and my Dad defended her. DEFENDED HER. Get that through your head, but the apple doesn’t fall far from THAT tree, does it?). This is what I do not understand, other than intense denial for something they never saw with their own eyes. She was their older sister. Always putting on airs, being better than everyone else, living a Hollywood lifestyle and forgetting her Norwegian Farming and Christian roots. Forgetting all the morality taught to her by her parents. Claiming to be Born Again, when she never picked up a bible, listened to a sermon, went to Church other than on Christmas, or practiced Christian Kindness ever! The woman they thought she was never existed in MY lifetime. She lied to them for decades, and they heard nothing else. Saw nothing else.

To bring this full circle, Gunn is the one who gave me the personal expectations that I live by. How my clothes could never be dusty, or – God forbid – muddy. Why dogs were never allowed in the house, due to their being so filthy. Having to “dress” to get the mail, go to the grocery store, or do gardening. She never left the house without mascara. How critical she was over my weight, my marriage, my reading, my knitting, my needlework, my lack of children. All intentionally done to provoke her! To put her in a bad light. Newsflash, battleax, it ain’t your life! If she were alive today and she knew it had been more than 2 days since I had bathed, she would be livid! A personal embarrassment her. Wouldn’t matter the cause, just that her tender delicacies would be bruised.

Lack of bathing, sleeping in a car, not doing laundry for a month, so many no-no’s. What choice have I had? Not a plethora.

Medical Minutiae Monday

Hey. It’s a title. And a focused target for writing.

I could start a Head to Toe description of issues, and I will highlight the most difficult that I have to deal with – physically,mentally and emotionally – on a minute-by-minute basis.

Brain – TBI and stroke (Vascular Lacunar Infarcts). Cognitive and emotional difficulties, most needing further diagnosis or treatment. Speech and cognitive therapy to recommence Spring 2020, but only until I run out through Medicare. I’ll have to wait for 2021 for any more. Severe anxiety and taking a few meds for it.

Eyes – Vision is crap. Contact lenses too old, glasses older, and all in bad shape. Unable to get new prescription due to retinopathy, as I need a surgical procedure to stop the aneurysms and wait 3-6 months for vision to stabilize. I am legally blind when not wearing glasses and have been since I first was prescribed at 11. Corneas too steep and I have astigmatism.

Throat – Have issues swallowing due to the stroke. Have to turn my head to the right to strengthen my throat muscles to swallow normally. Coughing is still an issue. Even clearing my throat.

Thyroid – It’s naturally “big”. Had an ultrasound. I think there is an issue, because if it tests “Normal” and it’s 20% larger than anyone else’s, wouldn’t that “normal” be “low” for me? Need to speak with a specialist.

Stomach – Pernicious Anemia so I don’t absorb B12 through my stomach. Have to inject cyanocobalamin weekly. I developed 2 ulcers, which can happen. At high risk for stomach cancer. What else don’t I absorb? Take paroxetine daily.

Kidneys/Liver/Pancreas – Diabetes, weekly injection of Januvia, take Jardiance and Janumet daily. And atorvastatin and lisinopril.

Back – Well, shoulders, neck and spinal column due to several car accidents where I sustained whiplash. Did almost everything to both shoulders except dislocate them – which would have been better. Permanent nerve and tendon damage. And oh the scar tissue! 32nd anniversary coming up in March.

Hands/Wrists – Carpal Tunnel. ‘Nuff said.

Bladder/Bowels – the guaranteed side effect of a Vascular Lacunar Stroke is incontinence, aka overactive bladder (and underactive pooper). I now have a pill so I know ahead of time, but I don’t always make it to the bathroom. A long walk from the car into the grocery store may require fresh bottoms.

Left Knee – Wonky since 6th grade. “She’s young! The ACL will repair itself!” Says the nitwit at Kaiser. No they don’t and age doesn’t matter. It’s worse now as my left side was impacted by the stroke. I have fallen. Especially when leaning up against the car to pee at 2 am in Walmart’s parking lot.

Ankles – Sprained dozens of times and they have both been fractured twice. Use special inserts – when I have them, which I don’t right now. Will develop ankle fractures from the bones stretching – and that hurts like hell. I have “boots” for when I do this. It’s happened too, since first diagnosed in 2000 and wore a boot with my wedding dress. So chic! And my shoes suck, are old and thoroughly worn,but new shoes would be $120, the free ones at the church have made the supination worse and I need slip on shoes for when I need to change bottoms or just a diaper.

Legs/Feet – I have issues with electrical shocks in both legs and severe muscle cramping in my toes and feet since the stroke. Take Neurontin.

I take more medication than listed for various things, and this list isn’t complete because there is too much, diagnosed, identified or still identifying. And what I didn’t list is the fact the brain goes to chaos mode more often. Worries about money, worries about the car, worries about Will, worries about sleeping in the car, worries about the storage units, worries about the cold, worries about Andy’s food/sweaters/walkies/baths, worries about laundry and doing/storing/accessing it, worries about having enough gas, worries about getting a balanced diet and giving up on that, worries about having something to drink when taking my pills (and it not being laced with Vodka), worries over the noise coming from the rear wheel well, worries about the seat backs and their failure……worry,worry, nothing but worry.

Help alleviate some of it please?

Soul Moment

I thought I should try an ongoing-theme-day. Doing Soul reflections/moments, seemed like a good one.

 Heidi and I Spring 1990

This picture was taken in early summer 1990 in Lake Elsinore and I am holding my 6 month old fur baby Heidi. My furry shadow. She was with me through 2 husbands, my father’s death, years of travel and aching loss. We saw the Sunset from the Northern Rim of the Grand Canyon while exploring the Southwest, and we experienced snow in Idaho. For 16 years, she was my quiet companion. Often, my copilot in the Montero.

Heidi in Idaho

My little wolf. She was an amazing soul. She went through so much training and she was so friendly and accomodating. She would have been a wonderful Service Dog. She sensed my moods, knew and protected me when I had migraines, or just put our other dog – Fen – in his place when he was being a noisy boy. And she was trained in track, trail and search. We did search and rescue a few times in North Orange County and Heidi found children easily enough. Adults, not as quickly. You told her to “find the baby”, gave her the scent and she was off like a rocket! When I moved to NorCal, she had been with Dad for a year before I could come and get her. No more trail or rescue for her.

Cuddling 1200

Heidi was as much Dad’s as my dog. He named her – with the name Gunn had intended for me! LOL Good one, Dad! Dad was Grandpa, Gravy Man (he made special gravy for her kibble since she was a very finicky eater), and Mr. Walkies. This was the last Christmas he was able to come to our house and he loved having Heidi close. The next winter, She (Gunn) had “convinced” him that he didn’t need blood thinners with a pacemaker and he wasn’t taking them by Thanksgiving and by Christmas he was throwing mini blood clots that led to multiple strokes and Congestive Heart Failure by New Years and his death by March.

We came and were with Dad for his last Christmas. I spoke to him on the 22nd, 2001, Gunn’s birthday, and we were in Las Vega having a family get together with Kevin’s Family. Cut that short and headed home to NorCal to get the dogs and headed to SoCal and their house. Gunn was paranoid about the dogs ruining her house. Well, Heidi had been an indoor dog when Gunn wasn’t around or when I moved her to NorCal – and she NEVER pee’d in a house. Gunn had area rugs all over the place she had bought at Walmart – no doubt with Dad in tow and suffering. Dad’s cardiologist had an absolute fit when he found out and had Dad’s Primary Care Doctor forced into Retirement due to his Alzheimer’s while treating patients.

But, Heidi did bring Dad comfort and serenity being there with him. I wish I had brought her again to be with him before he died. But Gunn. She flatly refused to accept he was dying due to her “care”. Why his cardiologist said there was no action we could take against his Primary Care doctor. I didn’t put two and two together until after I had had my stroke, and realized my infarcts wouldn’t have started if she hadn’t thrown out “that junk I was taking everyday” because she knew more than a doctor?! That bullshit about her being a registered nurse was annoying, but not life threatening. I thought.

Narcissist+Sociopath+Dementia=People Will Die That Don’t “Listen” To Her.

I wish I had had Heidi when I had my stroke. I wish I had brought Heidi to comfort Dad when he had his. Fuck Gunn and her stupid rules. I have these wonderful memories of and with Heidi and what she DID for others.

My beautiful girl. I still miss you,furry shadow. I’ll see you someday on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge. Be a good girl for Dad, kick Fen’s butt and be nice to your predecessors. Rocky, Bonnie, Shasta and Trapper all like to run and sniff and do the stuff you would like to do. You’ll be in good company. Warning – Bonnia cracks a beer every once in a while. That is, if Dad can get Coors. She was Dad’s BBQing buddy before you.

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