Struggling

I wish I could be upbeat, but I have nothing to be upbeat about. My life is in the toilet. I’m looking up at rock bottom.

I have the opportunity to rent an apartment, if everything works out. I am nearly broke. The house sitting gig ends on May 20th, and I have no where to go. No place to sleep. No where to eat. No where for anything. That is pretty depressing.

The legal firm representing me for my Social Security claim has processed a additional claim for Social Security Disability which I will have a greater success in securing. Hopefully. My medical care has been dismal. At least until January when I finally met someone who actually heard me.

I am really praying and hoping this happens. I am so tired of not having a place to live that is mine. It’s been 5 long years. I even miss that rat infested hellhole old house I lived in with Kevin, and we lived there for 20 years. Just having my things around me, memories, my comfort items like my couch and the dining room table that I shared meals with Dad – many good and happy memories. And my needlework that took decades to build, to create. I miss doing that work. I hope to do it again, if I ever have a place to love again.

My creativity has left me. I have no desire to create something new when my future is unknown. Well, not completely. It’s very dark right now with no hint of daylight. That is depressing in of itself.

I will include a link again, just in case. I need all the help I can get. There are still things I need to secure like electricity, water, garbage, bring my auto insurance current. Little things. I’m poor. I’m doing what I can by the skin of my teeth.

https://www.gofundme.com/wants-to-live

 

Sundry thoughts on a Sunday

First, just to get it the point of the way, that dude Blakenship that’s running for office in West Virginia? Former CEO of Massey Energy and a coal baron found guilty of conspiracy to willfully violate safety standards resulting in the death of 29 coal miners.  Since the jury was deadlocked on the possibility of the full charge which carried a 31-year term, he was found guilty of the misdemeanor which carried a 1-year mandatory term.  Ah, the Big Boss didn’t get the book thrown at him. Pity. He thinks he can run for the US Senate?  Calling Senator McConnell’s in-laws “China Family”? He used Black Persons too. He is an American Person. Self proclaimed. His word usage leaves much to be desired. His general humanity leaves much to be desired. He is the epitome of someone who should be considered deplorable.

Political statement of the day done. My thoughts still go wild, but I can state a case concisely once more. Yay for me. Oh wait…Trump hasn’t Tweeted today. What’s wrong with him? Trump is never quiet for this long. Ok, I’m done. For now,

I have been going through a hard time: physically, mentally and financially. It has pretty much sucked, since I have been doing it relatively alone. Relatively due to the few folks who have stuck with me, but none are family, just long time friends.

I am actually alone. I am divorced, after 20 years of sharing my life with someone who could never get out of his own way to listen to anyone, especially me. My adopted parents have passed, one to soon and the other not soon enough. I took care of the later for years, but full time for the last 3 years during the worst of Alzheimer’s Dementia her family denied and offered no help. More of that latter. Let’s just say I have been alone for awhile. Except for extraordinary friends who kept me going mentally and emotionally.

I haven’t lived on my own, in my own place, since 1991. A very long time. I now have the chance, the opportunity, to live on my own again. To restore a sense of normalcy to a very un-normal life. But, there is a chance.

I am publicizing my campaign through GoFundMe.com. This is one avenue I am trying to use, even though my home didn’t burn down. I am not a battered woman. Just a woman battered by life and simply beaten down.

Thank you for considering donating. I appreciate all assistance in restoring me to normalcy.

https://www.gofundme.com/wants-to-live

 

 

Days of Old

Tonight was the induction for the 2018 Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. Nina Simone, the Cars, Dire Straights, Moody Blues and Bon Jovi were inducted. I wasn’t that familiar with Nina Simone, though I had heard of her and her contribution, but the rest? Most definitely. Especially one.

The rest – soundtrack to my life. But one was the soundtrack to my soul. I know every song,every lyric, every riff. From the first time I heard them, bought their album, I was hooked. In 1983, my friends, high school Seniors and others, questioned my taste for “hair bands”. I enjoyed others – Rush, Queen, AC/DC, Journey, but they weren’t “right” for their tastes. I said “Wait and see – they will be famous someday.” And now they are part of the Hall of Fame.

And Jon Bongiovi was HOT! I was a teenager. What would you expect? My heart ran away with Runaway. With each subsequent album, my love and dedication just grew. I have a “playlist”on my iPod. It’s every Bon Jovi song recorded, by the band and Jon individually Even Richie.

I have seen them just twice on tour. I have seen Springsteen et al 4 times. I regret having to admit I have seen Weird Al more than 5 times and I don’t want to remember how many. My Ex was a big fan. Though I enjoyed going to see him, I saw him too much. Springsteen I would love to see him and the Band again, even without Clarence. But Bon Jovi? Yes please! I feel 20 again.

Watching the show tonight. and hearing those tunes, made me reminisce, take a walk down memory lane. Bon Jovi was the last inductee tonight and closed the show. Never crazy forr Howard Stern, but he was funny tonight. He’s crass, kinda like the Prez. As the band setup to play, Jon told the audience to get up and I did, just as I would at a concert. It brought back memories. I part was missing, reminded me of who I am now, the past year and a half. I have sung these songs joyfully and word for word. I could belt them out in harmony. Not anymore. I tried though. And shed more tears. I’ve done a lot of crying. My singing voice is something I still have to recover. But I still tried and it was awful.

The amount of smiles and joy I have received every time I heard a Bon Jovi song – countless, millions. Congratulations, guys. Job well done. We will continue to Keep the Faith.

 

 

 

May the Fourth be With You

A simple phrase meant to bring smiles and remind you of a fantastical story that means so much to decades of people. That is one of hope and strength of will and courage. Or just the belief for a better future if you take the necessary steps in avoiding a disastrous result.

It may mean something completely different to you, but I choose to beleive in Hope. It is an acheivable goal.

This day means something else now, for me. One I choose not to think about much or often. Today is the 3rd anniversary of my adopted mother’s death. Technically, my day of freedom. I’ll speak of that on another day.

May the Force be With You, every moment you need it, even every day. And that Force is Good. May it be with you always.

Starting Again

I am starting this site again. It’s mine, after all.

I got ahead of myself last year. Before I fully accepted my new life, my new personality and what I had to face living with for the rest of my days. At least, in part.

On November 29, 2016, I had a stroke. More specifically, an anoxic brain injury resulting from a gliosis lucanar stroke. To put it in layman’s term (simple, not ignorant), it’s like tiny beavers built a dam by my spinal cord and dammed the river that is the blood supply to my brain. When the blood is halted for a minute, or a few, the brain is deprived of blood and oxygen. Part of my brain is dead, and it’s kind of important parts.

I have a long professional history as a finance expert. Almost 30 years. It’s mostly missing now. I can’t even balance my check book, not that there’s much there to balance. How much does it say I have? That’s how much is left, so what is there to balance? Just use as little as possible. You can’t spend what you don’t have.

This space will be used for personal thoughts and memories. Memories are an important part of my recovery and my overall mental health. And I can record it here and look back, because I forget some and need reminders.

I will also journal how my recovery is going. An ongoing update of my journey as a stroke survivor – what I have been through and how I got to this point. I am still coping with most of it. Grieving for the person I used to be and who I will become. That’s a hard task, but I have a very good mentor. She survived. So can I.

There are many days that I wonder why it just didn’t kill me. That’s true. The struggle. Being alone. Feeling that I didn’t matter. I did to some, and they kept me alive this last year. You know who you are. THANK YOU. I owe you my life and I will never let you go or intentionally exit your life. You’ll have to chase me way. With pitchforks and torches.

 

 

 

 

A Fresh New Start

I had a blog for a few years. That was with Blogger, and kinda died. I’ve got Facebook, but it’s become a label factory. It’s not a license to be a douche, people. So, I’ve taken my tiny soapbox to the Internets to put my opinion to a broader audience. What will I write about? Whatever comes to mind. There will be sharing of what I’m doing in a post-stroke new life. There will be posts on knitting. It’s been too much a part of my life. Stuff on siblings that I didn’t know I had. Photography stuff. Beer experiences. Books. And the occasional rant over something. Probably political.

Join me on this new venture. And wish me luck!